Alright, folks...brace yourselves because the back-to-school fallout is coming.
Returning to school is HARD. And, we underestimate just how much our kids are juggling during this time. Sure, we might think about the academic side (homework, tests, projects), but it's so much more than that.
It’s about meeting new people while also trying to figure out who you are in this new environment. And, when you don’t get your best friend in class, or end up with a teacher who’s got a reputation for being “mean" or "scary", it can be a tough pill to swallow. Even for older kids who act like they don’t care, I think we can agree that deep down, they do. Kids care. It just shows up differently in a teen vs a little one.
And, let’s not forget, the lazy mornings are officially over. That shock of the alarm clock? It’s no joke.
So yeah, returning to school is tough. It may seem like they should just handle it, because after all, it’s “just school,” right? But the truth is, there’s a lot more going on under the surface than we realize.
For one of my clients, this week (day two, mind you), things went sideways in her house real quick. No one could settle down to eat, get ready for bed or follow simple 1-step directions. Her description of her son's behaviors reminded me of a hybrid between a hummingbird and a woodpecker. He would move from one thing (or person or pet) to the next and irritate the crap out of the object of his focus in the meantime. I suspect he was seeking a bit of a dopamine boost to soothe his own dysregulation. After some back-and-forth trying to decipher “what is your DEAL?!?!”, and playing the I-guess-and-you-give-a-thumbs up/thumbs-down-if-I'm-right game with him to which he gave all thumb sideways responses 😑, he finally told her (like an hour later after getting out of bed 10 times): “I’m OVERWHELMED.”
Helloooooooo!!!!, she thought!!! He’s overwhelmed!!! Of course, he is.
And, I'd like to throw a mini-party here to celebrate the self-awareness that it took for her son to recognize his overwhelm! Woot woot! They are making some progress over there!
But, back to my point...
The move to middle school is no joke. I don’t care how long it’s been…we all remember that move to middle school! It’s YUGE.
ALL NEW hallways, classrooms, teachers, friends, cafeteria food (which, btw, that alone could break someone. My daughter swears they serve mac n cheese with shrimp in it at her school and I still can't believe it! The horror of cafeteria style shrimp mac n cheese is enough to break even the best of us, right?!?!?). How many of us adults would feel pretty anxious trying to navigate a new school without a map? And, let’s be honest, those hallways can feel overwhelming, with noise, chaos, and everyone rushing to get somewhere. And, then think of our kiddos with fragile nervous systems...it's A LOT!
So, what happens when the demands of the environment outpace capacity? WE SEE BEHAVIORS!!!! Just like my client was seeing with her son.
Ok, so now that we've named it (re-entry to school can result in fatigue, overwhelm, dysregulation, etc and the ripple effect of that is BEHAVIORS!), here’s what we’re going to do.
We’re going to get out ahead of the problem:
1. When in Doubt, Just Add Food or Water: Their brains and bodies are working harder than they have in weeks. Arm yourself with a smoothie or snack to feed the hangry beast should it rear its head. While the brain only makes up 2% of our body weight, it consumes 20% of our calories doing it's job (processing information, transmitting signals, and maintaining nerve function - just to name a few). So, your job is to make sure to feed that hungry brain!
2.
Be Prepared and Prepare Them: Try to keep surprises and abrupt schedule changes to a minimum for these first few weeks. Make sure your kids know what's coming next. And, by all means, know what’s for dinner (hint: crockpot time)! Take bedtime low and slow…easy does it. If you've got some time this weekend, take a few minutes to get a handle on next week - make a menu (simplifying meals where needed), pick out clothes for those early mornings now, run through the schedule with them, etc. Find the typical pinch point for your family and do what you can to grease those wheels for a smoother ride.
3. Pay Attention to Your Own Regulation: Grab a few deep breaths or a quick walk before the kids return from school to reset and prepare yourself to receive them. Take a moment to center yourself. Re-entry from the sensory stimulation of a school setting to the home is no joke and they might just need a regulated parent to help their nervous system settle.
4. Allow Time for Decompression: Make sure they have some time to decompress. When they come in from their day, greet them warmly, but don't pepper them with questions (yet one more bit of cognitive load they might now have the capacity for!). Give some time for a brain break, whether that's time outside with friends or the family dog or vegging in front of a favorite show.
5. And, finally, Be Ready for the Fallout with an Extra Dose of Grace: You're going to do all of this and things are still going to go sideways. It's ok. That's life. So, here's a trick...prep your reactions ahead of time. Kind of like a dress rehearsal. This is known as "episodic future simulation". Neuroscience shows that a large percentage of our "now" is an inference from prior experiences. Like over 70%. So, this practice is super powerful. We are preloading the future with capacity. Your brain basically is a Flux Capacitor, but instead of 1.21 gigawatts, it runs on memories. The same neural circuitry you use to replay the past is what you use to pre-play the future. In fact, most of your ‘now’ isn’t pure real-time data at all, it’s a reconstruction built from stored memories, constantly predicting what comes next. When you mentally rehearse a future moment...picturing yourself keeping your cool when your kiddo loses theirs...you’re loading that imagined scene into the archives so your brain can ‘remember’ it later. That’s how you can step into tomorrow with a blueprint already in place. The more vividly you run through this dress rehearsal (where are you, what details of the scene can you pick up with your senses, how much specificity can you bring to the storyline, etc), the more profoundly it can impact your ability to show up for your child in the moment. So, take a few moments and imagine giving your weepy 2nd grader just a little extra loving this week. And, that snarky teenager? Maybe keep your correction light with a touch of humor instead of going all in with a dissertation on what your parents would have done if you talked to them that way. 😉
It’s not a matter of if the moment of frustration or full-blown meltdown will happen, it’s when. So, take a deep breath, show some grace to yourself and your kids, and carry on. You’ve got this.